[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
How it started: How it’s going:
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.