Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Free him
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Made something I’m not proud of
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Mountain Goat : )
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?