Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Okay me first
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair