ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Science memes
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Them: Just act casual
Me: