Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
How dude HOW?!
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Home is where your toilet is.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family