I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Reporter: *ports again*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.