That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I get distracted pretty eas
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”