Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Selfie
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.