Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
WHY?!
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
tis the season
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*