On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living