This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Oh my god
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?