I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement