Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.