I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sunday
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !