Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Guilty! 🤪
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.