When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The first matador
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?