meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
You Might Also Like
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
i hope my email finds you on fire
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
wtf management?!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
is frankincense just very honest incense?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back