IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I put the h in mysterious.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
sleeping beauty
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Autocarrot sucks!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”