One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no