*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”