The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.