My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard