What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there