Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
You Might Also Like
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.