WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*