How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
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Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
White parent Vs Arab parents
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists