The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.