4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
You Might Also Like
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.