The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
he chose this
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Thank you corporation very cool
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.