My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.