Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You Might Also Like
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer