1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.