I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.