*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.