{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.