wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
i can’t wait that long
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
absolute chaos
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.