realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
You Might Also Like
knights of the ikea table
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me