Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
School be like
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot