Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
What kind of a cult is this?