Saving my good tweets for marriage
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.