I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit