And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
What is going on? 😅
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”