My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi