to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17