If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.