Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.