a fate I wish upon no one
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.