If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
🏙👨🏼
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now