Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
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[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before