I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)